I have witnessed her grow into her body. Time flies. The very curves and voluptuousness that appear in my now-grown daughter were not so long ago flattened by a pre-adolescent "innocence" that was perhaps more my fantasy than my daughter's reality. It was the seemingly necessary de-sexualization of a young girl for my own "peace of mind"-- a way of seeing her as sex-incapable, abstinent; girlie flirtation, at best, marked by the innocence of school girl crushes or puppy love. I would come to discover that her reality was much much different. She has grown into a woman who owns her own body-- its decisions, its actions, inaction, its desirability and explorations. Is it any surprise that I helped raise a feminist, if unsure she's even comfortable with such a term and its connotations?
As I sat in the Chicago box theater's front row to see my daughter, Shannon Matesky's, developing one-woman show "She Think She Grown," any fantasy of "innocent" girlhood is shattered. While attuned to much of the hardship she encountered, particularly in the foster care system, and "pre-Dad", I had no idea about some of what would be revealed to me, for the first time, on stage. This show-- a therapeutic exposition of a woman brilliantly struggling to find her voice in the world, in her own grown-woman way-- was masterfully executed if uncomfortable at moments to watch as someone who cares... who wishes I could have rescued her from some of life's hardships, or been there earlier in her life. Shay has always been independent-- a quality that as a feminist-minded Dad, I applaud with liberal resolve. I never cared much who Shay dated when she came of age to date, only that she was happy, not being abused, sexually responsible. I was attentive to her coming of age in high school and the necessary explorations: bisexuality, boys, her just doing her!
My principal concern was that she knew she could come to me with anything- a reassurance of my unconditional love, if with the expected paternal protectiveness. I was among the first to hear about her first college boyfriend, first major breakup, and the struggles thereafter to balance an artistic career with what becomes of desire-ability. Unlike her Dad, who seems sometimes to live for loving-- often to my own detriment-- Shay is stridently, if stubbornly, independent; resolved that career and dreams should wait for no man or woman. I think she could stand to be a little more like me, allowing dreams of being loved well to happily coexist with creative aspirations. But then there are the realities she's witnessed of Dad's trail of heartbreaks. She believes I could stand to be more like her-- unwilling to allow distractions in loving to deter or shape a creative or professional future. I think we both still have a lot to learn from each other.
Our notion of family is far from traditional, but more so, as we say, like Cherrie Moraga familia from scratch. Even as she is now a college graduate and adult, we continue to develop and nurture the mix we make through life's generous supply of ingredients. Single-dad, queer & grown-daughter, bisexual. We both float in the world with a magnetism that both allures and burns-- like a moth to a flame. Our plays and poetry are sometimes the way we best communicate life experiences-- if an oddly public call-and-response, through growth processes, both respectively and as father-daughter. It's so much more difficult to sit and talk about some of these things. We respect the stage as a mode of disclosure. Since I moved to Chicago and we talk more often we are becoming braver to have talk-backs, beyond the audience, one-on-one. So it is in this growth that I have began to struggle with certain feminist tendencies around womanhood and sexual objectification. With a daughter, I am unable to see feminism outside of the lens of my relationship to Shay, or my mother, or sisters, or nieces. And it troubles me that sexism is such an insidiously ever-present normality that I'm thought of as abnormal for trying to challenge it. I don't like that women get paid less for the same work. I hate when the value of a woman is measured through her sex or baby-making ability. I respect a woman's right to choose a destiny I don't believe is not best for her... because i value that same freedom. What is feminism if not about full freedom?
Being a feminist Dad for me has meant not reducing my daughter's body to an object-to-be-protected... as some extension of my property. It's about encouraging and nurturing spaces for her to self-actualize as she believes will benefit the life she's building FOR HERSELF. There's a way that feminism, unfortunately, re-objectifies the female body in its effort not to. We reduce women to the parts we wish to "protect" even as we critique objectification. It's a very paternalistic, patriarchal, and patronizing gesture. Shay has grown into a full-figured woman. Men and women alike look at her with desire...on and off stage. I can no longer pretend not to notice. She has evolved into quite a beautiful young woman. I recall a recent play (Rivera's "Sonnets for an Old Century")-- a role she understated a bit, though she appears prominently appears in the first scene-- her first lines including the repetition of "sex", replete with suggestive and matching gyrations. At Spoken Word events, I witness how she now gives a brief disclaimer if I'm in the room and she's performing a new piece that I may find provocative or sexual in nature... but I'm getting used to it. I suppose she's a lot like her Dad in some ways. How could I ever exalt my freedom to spit, rap, speak, be and become in the ways I have over the years, before her eyes, and expect less from her? And this is the irony of true equality-- one that enables me to take a critical look at all my feminist leanings, and flip them in a way that suggests: "It's her body, and she'll live like she wants to"...even if it doesn't jive with anyone's "feminist agenda". About this, I am proud. I experience great pride in the woman I helped raise every time I see her perform or hear about her work from others.
Often, people are unsurprised by our kinship. Shay has not been an object or extension of my own movements through life, but a trailblazer creating a legacy of her own that will surely surpass my body of work, give how early she started. She is a being, full of freedom, with choices to make-- some of which I may not agree with. Recently we had a discussion about Beyonce and the mixed messaging lyrically she gives to young girls who "run the world" if through sometimes self-objectifying manipulations. I suggest that self-objectification for gain or favor is, ultimately, "a woman's choice". She suggests "choice", shaped by coercive market demands or by necessity, isn't really choice. It's partially my fault she thinks this way: critically. I'll take partial credit, owning that she very much has a mind of her own-- whatever my minimal influence. Most importantly, Shay Matestky knows she has my love and support-- something my mother has given to me, despite our differences on certain issues. And isn't this the point of feminism and true equality? That each man and woman have the ability to fulfill his or her own destiny as they see fit, with full control of their bodies, full freedom to fly, sit still, soar? What a life! What a wonderful, amazing, beautifully-ugly, tragic-joyful way to experience it all, accept it all. What else is feminism, if not a commitment to full, human freedom?
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